We are the opening band We are here to do five or six or seven songs “Don’t go too long, and get the hell off the stage” We are the opening band We’re probably not the band you came to see tonight But it’s alright, ’cause soon we’ll go away And we’re wondering, just where the hell’s the sound guy? He disappeared just after we got up here He’s probably behind the building rolling up a fattie And he’ll be gone until our last song We got a VW van I had to sell every Star Wars™ figure that I had And ask my Dad to co-sign for the loan We don’t got a whole lot of fans Nobody asks for our autograph And, sad to say, as of today, no panties have been thrown And we’re wondering if this was worth the drive here We spent six hours in traffic on the highway For fifty bucks, and half price on the cheese fries And free Miller® Lite on tap Who can drink that crap? My cousin lives in town, and we’ll be crashing at his place Unless his girlfriend’s home from college and she’s staying for the weekend And if she is, then we will have to go and park the van Behind the IHOP by the Turnpike And we’ll sleep in the back seat And we’re wondering just where the headline act is They’re prob’ly getting wasted in the green room And they don’t give a rat’s ass who we are So when they start to play up here We’re gonna drink all their beer We are the opening band We hope that all of you sign up on our mailing list And buy our disc and t-shirts (in black and gray) We are the opening band And we only got about 25 more minutes left That’s all we get to blow your ass away We are the opening band We are the opening band Hello Hello Hello

Five o’ clock, Friday, I can hear the whistle blowin’ Got a 6:30 barbecue, and all my boys are showin’ up: Skeeter, Cooter, Billy Ray and Bobby Ray and Billy Bob We got a pig in the ground, but can’t remember where we buried it So we load up the truck with all the bourbon we can carry And we kill another hour shootin’ BBs at the neighbor’s dog Somebody throws a punch and my buddies get to brawlin’ But I can hear the honky-tonk ’n’ señoritas callin’ We pile into the pickup, do some donuts on the lawn You’ll find us in the mornin’ when the money’s all gone We’ll be covered in piss and stinkin’ to the heavens Sleepin’ in the dumpster out behind the 7-’leven Our underwear is lyin’ in the middle of the road and I’m bleedin’ from a head wound, swellin’ in the scrotum Got the shakes, DTs, gonorrhea and the trots And a tattoo on my buttocks in the shape o’ Don Knotts Everybody runs when we make it on the scene— Six guys, ten teeth and one brain between us ’bout 11:30, and we’re feelin’ kinda down ’cause we already been booted outta every bar in town So we hang out by the school and watch the cuties leave the junior prom Me and both the Billys wanna see some nekkid ladies But the Hooter Hut is closed, Double D’s is overrated So we hit the Jiggly Wiggly, where the headliner is Bobby Ray’s mom Things are goin’ good ’til a stripper starts to holler After Skeeter started diggin’ round for change for his dollar Stripper throws a punch, Skeeter’s laid out on the floor We prob’ly oughta help him, but we’re runnin’ out the door We’ll be covered in piss and stinkin’ to the heavens Sleepin’ in the dumpster out behind the 7-’leven Our underwear is lyin’ in the middle of the road and I’m bleedin’ from a head wound, swellin’ in the scrotum Got a squirrel and a stop sign hangin’ from my bumper And a feelin’ like a roman candle burnin’ in my dumper A more pathetic sight you ain’t never ever seen— Six guys, ten teeth and one brain between us Four in the mornin’, and they kicked us outta Denny’s So we motor to the Mini-Mart and spend our last twenty On a Molly Hatchet tape, a stack o’ Swank, and seven packs o’ chaw Cooter’s is in the swimmin’ pool that he just drove the truck in Billy Bob is passed out, Billy Ray is upchuckin’ And I’m crappin’ in the parking lot behind the VFW Hall Sheriff pulls up and we’re headin’ for the station But Cooter’s dad’s a judge, so we get off with probation If you wanna separate the girlies from the men We’ll see you next Friday when we do it all again We’ll be covered in piss and stinkin’ to the heavens Sleepin’ in the dumpster out behind the 7-’leven Our underwear is lyin’ in the middle of the road and I’m bleedin’ from a head wound, swellin’ in the scrotum Got the clap, dry heaves, Montezuma’s and the shivers Pukin’ on my Tony Lamas, coughin’ up my liver If you can bail Skeeter out, then you can join the team Six guys, ten teeth and one brain between us Don’t need any manners, common sense or self-esteem Six guys, ten teeth and one brain between us All you need’s an attitude, a pickup and a penis Six guys, ten teeth and one brain between us