Opening Band

by Paul and Storm

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credits

released July 12, 2005

tags

license

Track Name: Opening Band
We are the opening band
We are here to do five or six or seven songs
“Don’t go too long, and get the hell off the stage”
We are the opening band
We’re probably not the band you came to see tonight
But it’s alright, ’cause soon we’ll go away

And we’re wondering, just where the hell’s the sound guy?
He disappeared just after we got up here
He’s probably behind the building rolling up a fattie
And he’ll be gone until our last song

We got a VW van
I had to sell every Star Wars™ figure that I had
And ask my Dad to co-sign for the loan
We don’t got a whole lot of fans
Nobody asks for our autograph
And, sad to say, as of today, no panties have been thrown

And we’re wondering if this was worth the drive here
We spent six hours in traffic on the highway
For fifty bucks, and half price on the cheese fries
And free Miller® Lite on tap
Who can drink that crap?

My cousin lives in town, and we’ll be crashing at his place
Unless his girlfriend’s home from college and she’s staying for the weekend
And if she is, then we will have to go and park the van
Behind the IHOP by the Turnpike
And we’ll sleep in the back seat

And we’re wondering just where the headline act is
They’re prob’ly getting wasted in the green room
And they don’t give a rat’s ass who we are
So when they start to play up here
We’re gonna drink all their beer

We are the opening band
We hope that all of you sign up on our mailing list
And buy our disc and t-shirts (in black and gray)
We are the opening band
And we only got about 25 more minutes left
That’s all we get to blow your ass away

We are the opening band
We are the opening band
Hello
Hello
Hello
Track Name: Six Guys, Ten Teeth
Five o’ clock, Friday, I can hear the whistle blowin’
Got a 6:30 barbecue, and all my boys are showin’ up:
Skeeter, Cooter, Billy Ray and Bobby Ray and Billy Bob
We got a pig in the ground, but can’t remember where we buried it
So we load up the truck with all the bourbon we can carry
And we kill another hour shootin’ BBs at the neighbor’s dog

Somebody throws a punch and my buddies get to brawlin’
But I can hear the honky-tonk ’n’ señoritas callin’
We pile into the pickup, do some donuts on the lawn
You’ll find us in the mornin’ when the money’s all gone

We’ll be covered in piss and stinkin’ to the heavens
Sleepin’ in the dumpster out behind the 7-’leven
Our underwear is lyin’ in the middle of the road and
I’m bleedin’ from a head wound, swellin’ in the scrotum
Got the shakes, DTs, gonorrhea and the trots
And a tattoo on my buttocks in the shape o’ Don Knotts
Everybody runs when we make it on the scene—
Six guys, ten teeth and one brain between us

’bout 11:30, and we’re feelin’ kinda down
’cause we already been booted outta every bar in town
So we hang out by the school and watch the cuties leave the junior prom
Me and both the Billys wanna see some nekkid ladies
But the Hooter Hut is closed, Double D’s is overrated
So we hit the Jiggly Wiggly, where the headliner is Bobby Ray’s mom

Things are goin’ good ’til a stripper starts to holler
After Skeeter started diggin’ round for change for his dollar
Stripper throws a punch, Skeeter’s laid out on the floor
We prob’ly oughta help him, but we’re runnin’ out the door

We’ll be covered in piss and stinkin’ to the heavens
Sleepin’ in the dumpster out behind the 7-’leven
Our underwear is lyin’ in the middle of the road and
I’m bleedin’ from a head wound, swellin’ in the scrotum
Got a squirrel and a stop sign hangin’ from my bumper
And a feelin’ like a roman candle burnin’ in my dumper
A more pathetic sight you ain’t never ever seen—
Six guys, ten teeth and one brain between us

Four in the mornin’, and they kicked us outta Denny’s
So we motor to the Mini-Mart and spend our last twenty
On a Molly Hatchet tape, a stack o’ Swank, and seven packs o’ chaw
Cooter’s is in the swimmin’ pool that he just drove the truck in
Billy Bob is passed out, Billy Ray is upchuckin’
And I’m crappin’ in the parking lot behind the VFW Hall

Sheriff pulls up and we’re headin’ for the station
But Cooter’s dad’s a judge, so we get off with probation
If you wanna separate the girlies from the men
We’ll see you next Friday when we do it all again

We’ll be covered in piss and stinkin’ to the heavens
Sleepin’ in the dumpster out behind the 7-’leven
Our underwear is lyin’ in the middle of the road and
I’m bleedin’ from a head wound, swellin’ in the scrotum
Got the clap, dry heaves, Montezuma’s and the shivers
Pukin’ on my Tony Lamas, coughin’ up my liver
If you can bail Skeeter out, then you can join the team
Six guys, ten teeth and one brain between us
Don’t need any manners, common sense or self-esteem
Six guys, ten teeth and one brain between us
All you need’s an attitude, a pickup and a penis
Six guys, ten teeth and one brain between us